Sunday 11th June 2023
This week I found myself in the company of a couple who were a bit the worse for the wear. They’d had a few drinks in the pub in the afternoon and when I caught up with them late evening they were finishing a bottle (their second?) of red wine. They weren’t raucously drunk but, to the sober eye, they were visibly under the influence. I didn’t envy them their obvious pleasure in having enjoyed a few drinks together, nor was there any judgement. What struck me about the encounter was how acutely aware I was of how that woman was going to feel in the morning: like shit. Honestly, I could almost feel it myself. First, she’d come to with that sinking feeling of having overdone it the day before, worrying about what she might’ve said or done to embarrass herself. She’d drag herself out of bed then sit nursing a cup of tea (because coffee is too harsh on a delicate stomach). She’d shower and it would make her feel a bit better then she’d tough it out and get on with her day. She might or might not have little relapses but, either way, she’d be below par… all day…. until wine o’clock came around again and the residual effects of last night’s alcohol would be blissfully obliterated… by more alcohol. Again, no judgement, they were on holiday – it’s what you do. I have been grateful many times this past year for the absence of a hangover, when I knew that I might otherwise have had one after a particularly boozy occasion. What I now realise I’ve been taking for granted, however, is that day to day feeling of never being below par. Illness aside, my base level is good. Sure, there have been days when I’ve been fed up, or upset for any number of reasons, but physically I am killing it – Every. Single. Day. And just like that…. I knew I was safe. All year I’ve been wondering if, despite everything I’ve said, done and written, I could end up slipping back into the exact same drinking habits that I’ve worked so hard to break. I’ve always known that abstention is easier than moderation and, as the finishing line grows closer, I’ve been thinking that my hardest battle is yet to come. Or is it? With my new-found appreciation this week for that base level of well-being that I experience every day that I’m not drinking, I know that I won’t trade it lightly. For the first time since I started this journey I feel safe in the knowledge that it won’t be all for nought, that my changes will be lasting, and that my paradigm has well and truly shifted.
Theme Tune: I’ll Find My Way Home by Jon and Vangelis